Posted: January 4, 2011 in Uncategorized

I have noticed odd things going on since my cousin died.  I’ve noticed that I seem to have lost the ability to keep my hands steady.   That I have lost the ability to fall asleep quickly (one of the easiest things for me) and since staying asleep was always an issue – I’m starting to feel the drag.

Sunday night I dreamt that I was in the car with Kim, we were going to school – my mom or her mom was dropping us off.  We had our skates in our bags and I was promising, PROMISING that  a) it was okay to bring skates to the last day of school and b) we each swore to look out for the other.  The final addendum was making sure we were waiting at the right spot because we were going to stay after school for some skating.

I remember walking into school with Kim and then a bell rang and we were skating.  At first it was juvenile, awkward skating – then we got better and better (and older) and it was extreme sporting/roller-derby type skating with my cousin and I shouting threats and words of encouragement – teasing each other.

Then there was a bunch of garbage in the school lot.  Old boards and crap lying around and I was trying like hell to not fall over.  And there was the curb and my mom pulling up and I turned and looked back. No Kim.  The bottom of my stomach fell out.  I lost her.  What was I going to tell my mom.

Suddenly, I was a kid again standing  on the sidewalk as the car drove up.  I could see my mom’s expression.  Thankfully my oldest daughter called me and woke me up because I don’t think I could have dealt with the guilt I was going through in my dream. 

It comes and goes in waves, the sorrow. I am going about my day, then I recall her and remember she’s gone and saddness hits.  At work it is hard to focus at times but I know it will get better.  I’m no stranger to loss and stages of grief.   It’s just that I seem to be stuck with shock.  This numb feeling that seems to give way to the sharp pain of realizing that I’ll never get the chance to tell her how much I love her, even though I know she did and she also knew that I love her.  Always have, always will.

So I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other until time can work its magic and dull the pain a bit.  However there will always be a piece of my heart that left with her.


  1. Donna says:

    Hi Annette, I’ve just gotten round to look up your blog and I am so so sorry for your pain. I lost my Dad very suddenly in September 2009 and I can only say the physical pain gets a little easier so take one day at a time and I’m here if you want to talk.
    Sending you a big hug, Donna xox

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